Patterns and Relationships
Counselling for the Patterns That Keep Repeating
You probably already know the pattern. You can name it, and you may have been able to name it for years: the yes that arrives before you have decided, the standard nothing you do ever quite meets, the voice in your head that would be unacceptable if you used it on anyone else. Knowing has not changed it. That is usually the part that is hardest to explain to the people around you.
I'm Marjan Emami, a Certified Compassionate Inquiry Practitioner and therapeutic counsellor. I work with adults online across Canada, in English or Farsi, on exactly this: people pleasing, perfectionism, boundaries that will not hold, a shaky sense of your own worth, and relationships that keep finding the same wall. Every new client begins with a free 30-minute intro call.
Insight is not the missing piece here. Most people who come to me can already explain themselves accurately, sometimes better than I could. What has not happened yet is the slower work of meeting the part of you that learned the pattern in the first place, and staying with it long enough, and kindly enough, that it starts to make sense from the inside.
What this tends to look like
People describe it differently, and almost nobody uses the word pattern at first. More often it arrives as a specific, tiring moment that keeps happening:
- People pleasing: the yes that arrives before you have decided, the apology for things that were never yours, and the quiet resentment that collects underneath.
- Perfectionism: the harsh inner critic, the standard that moves the moment you reach it, the feeling of never being enough no matter what the evidence says.
- Boundaries that will not hold: knowing exactly where the line is, saying it clearly in your head, and then watching yourself agree anyway.
- Self-worth that depends on usefulness: being valued for what you carry rather than who you are, and not quite knowing what would be left if you stopped carrying it.
- Conflict you go quiet in: the withdrawal, the peacekeeping, the sense that disagreeing openly would cost more than the thing is worth.
- Being responsible for everyone: reading the room before you read yourself, and managing other people’s feelings as though they were your job.
This is support and exploration rather than a fix applied to you, and no honest counsellor can promise a particular result. What I can offer is steady attention, a pace you control, and a space where none of it has to be tidy.
Where these patterns come from
Very few of these habits were chosen. They were learned, usually early, usually in a family that a child had no way of leaving. A child who senses that being agreeable keeps the peace becomes agreeable. A child whose achievements are the thing that gets noticed learns to achieve. A child whose feelings are inconvenient learns to have fewer of them, or at least to keep them quiet.
None of that requires anything dramatic to have happened. Some of the most persistent patterns come from homes that looked fine, where the food was on the table and nobody was cruel, and where certain emotional needs simply went unmet because the adults were stretched, unwell, grieving, newly arrived in a country, or repeating something they had learned themselves. This is not an exercise in blaming parents. It is a look at what a child had to do to stay connected, and at what that adaptation costs an adult who no longer needs it.
That is also why the pattern does not respond to being argued with. It is not a bad habit; it is an old solution, still running long after the situation that called for it has passed. So instead of trying to remove it, we get curious about it. What is this protecting? When did it first become necessary? What was true about your life then?
This way of working comes from Compassionate Inquiry, the approach developed by Dr. Gabor Maté, which I completed the professional training and certification program in. It is gentle, present-moment and body-aware, and it moves at whatever speed you can actually hold.
When the pattern shows up in a relationship
Relationships are where these things get loud. The same reflexes that once kept a household calm can leave an adult anxious, over-accommodating, or slowly disappearing inside a partnership that looks fine from the outside.
- Relationship anxiety: support with the constant checking of the temperature: reading tone, needing reassurance, bracing for distance before there is any, and being exhausted by how much attention it takes.
- The should I stay loop: months of weighing the same list, talking yourself in and out of it, and never arriving anywhere. We look at what the loop is protecting rather than trying to settle the argument for you.
- During or after a breakup or separation: the days that do not feel survivable, the ones that quietly do, the second-guessing, and the work of understanding what happened without turning it all on yourself.
- The same wall in every relationship: different people, different circumstances, and somehow the same moment arriving again. That repetition is usually information, not a verdict on you.
This is individual counselling: one person looking at their own relational life, whether they are single, partnered, unsure, or in the long aftermath of something ending. You do not need your partner's agreement, or a partner at all, and nothing here is aimed at deciding your relationship for you. If at some point the two of you want to come in together, couples sessions are available too and you can find them on the services page.
What sessions look like
Slower than most people expect. We are not trying to cover the whole week. One honest moment, looked at carefully, tends to be worth more than an hour of summary, and you decide what we open and what we leave for another day.
- Sessions are 50 minutes, online over secure video on Zoom, from wherever you are comfortable and unlikely to be interrupted.
- Sessions are in English or Farsi, whichever carries the feeling better on the day.
- Evening appointments are available several weekdays, and weekend mornings are open too.
- Everything starts with a free 30-minute intro call, so you can hear how I work before committing to anything.
- There is nothing to prepare and nothing to read first. You do not need to have your pattern neatly explained before we begin.
Fees and practical details
- Individual counselling is $150 for a 50-minute session.
- Couples counselling is $200 for an 80-minute session, if the two of you decide to come together at some point.
- The 30-minute intro call is free, and there is no obligation to book anything after it.
- Payment is by e-transfer.
- Receipts are provided. Coverage varies by plan, so check with your insurer whether counselling is included in your benefits.
See services and fees for the full list, including family and parenting sessions and the cancellation policy.
Common questions
Is this therapy for a diagnosis?
No. This is counselling support and exploration, not assessment. I do not provide diagnoses, assessments or medication advice, and nothing here should be read as a substitute for medical care. What we work with is your actual experience: the pattern, where it shows up, what it costs you, and what it once protected. If you are looking for a formal assessment, your family doctor is the right starting point, and you are welcome to do both.
How long does this take?
Honestly, longer than a quick answer would suggest. A pattern that has been running since childhood does not usually loosen in three sessions, and I would rather tell you that at the start than sell you a timeline I cannot promise. Some people come for a few months around one specific thing, others stay longer and go further. There is no set number of sessions and nothing to prepay, and you can stop whenever you decide you are done. The pace is genuinely yours.
Does this kind of work really work online?
It does, and my whole practice is online. Many people find it easier to be honest from their own home, in their own chair, with no waiting room and no drive afterwards while they are still raw. All we need is a private space and a decent connection. Working online is also what makes evenings and weekends possible, and it means where you live in Canada does not limit who you can work with.
Can we work in Farsi?
Yes. I am an Iranian-Canadian counsellor and sessions can be held entirely in Farsi, entirely in English, or moving between the two as you go. Patterns like these are often learned in a mother tongue, and some of it only really exists in that language, so please use whichever one reaches the feeling.
How do we start?
You book a free 30-minute intro call (it appears as the free consultation on the booking page). We talk about what is bringing you here, what keeps repeating, and how I actually work. You can ask anything. If it feels like a fit, we book a first full session and begin at your pace. If it does not, that is a completely fine outcome and you owe nothing.
If you would like a sense of how I think before you book, more about my background is here.
Free 30-Minute Intro Call
A quiet conversation, in English or Farsi, with nothing to decide afterwards.
Book your free intro call